Relationships and second chances…if you are courageous enough to have given someone one of these you know how murky and difficult it can be. There is so much intertwined within the past, present, and future expectations, its hard to discern certain actions at times. I find myself in this very dilemma,… what’s really happening?

Whats true and what is assumption on past behaviour? This is when I desperately wish for my lasso of truth and ability to see into peoples lives like I was there. But until then, I can only rely on my intelligence and intuition. I carefully navigate the minefield of stories, intimacy, relationship, trust, and bond,…wandering to find our truth. All I can hope and pray for is my well being, and strive to be honest with myself enough to make the right decisions as we go.

When things happen that shake my confidence in our marriage, I start to doubt myself a lot. It takes me down a few notches when someone else as close as a spouse transgresses against me. Seems odd actually. Shouldn’t the transgressor be the one feeling bad about themselves? But my “self worth,” if you will, is suddenly put on trial. In all of the strongest, self secure moments I attempt to display outwardly while in the middle of a problem, I retreat to a secluded place to ask myself -”what’s wrong with me?” I begin to feel less attractive, and less deserving. It occurs every single time. I counteract it by doing things I love, and yet sometimes I just sit with my remorse. But what I really want is for the cycle to stop. I wonder if I’m asking the impossible because it has not yet happened. I refuse, however, to accept less. I come out of that awkward, less than appealing self doubt and always know I can do far more than I have strived for. So I keep on,…