Sadness is inevitable ,… I can’t seem to avoid it as much as I’m trying to. Wish the problem would just go away.
I’ve been asked not to divulge the details of what happened over the weekend,… grrrr. But understandable in his case. I am trying my best to honor that request. But I can’t. Somehow getting the bad stuff off my chest by writing here is extremely helpful. I have hid everything for so long, tried to protect reputations that didn’t deserve protecting, and dying over it all inside. So in conclusion, I’m divulging,….!
a new phase of life. What seemed like the longest days in the universe as they were happening were by far the shortest years. My husband provided over a decade of sweet cherishing memories of our beautiful kids,… A gift nothing could ever surpass in a lifetime. I know these days will forever be held dear and looked back upon often and fondly.
I am so happy,…
As I delve more into my study of the sociological effects pornography has on us, naturally it has taken a microscope on my own sex life. This is not easy for the husband to understand, he takes it personal and his mind wanders as to all the reasons I could be changing. Its not easy for me either. I admit, I am changing and have been for a few years. Use to, sex was only to appease and please him. I was willing, and unopinionated about what I liked. Now that’s changed, and sometimes my standing up for myself or expressing my preferences makes him uncomfortable. Sometimes I’m not very good at communicating it, sometimes I am. Either way, his first imaginations are , “she must be with someone else.” Problem is, these are ALWAYS his first thoughts.
Friday its going to be my birthday.
If you like your man to dance with you,… leave danceable music playing at home when he’s around. Theres bound to be a hug that turns into a little dance spontaniously *smile*
I was describing a husband wife situation, outside our own, and asked him ” Honey, if you were her husband, what would you do? What would you feel or think?” I was desperately trying to point out her choices being bad, her wifeliness not being wifely, her motherhood not being motherly enough because she was stressed out too much. I wanted him to identify with the husband to see if he would feel cheated or that it was somehow unfair to him, but he didn’t care. He simply said ” I would rub her feet, rub her back, and massage her scalp,… and that’s it.” I said, haha no honey, seriously,…. and he said ” I would rub her feet, rub her back, and massage her scalp.” I stopped and stared in shock at him. I realized , as I stared, how brilliant of an answer this was coming from his mouth. Because he was right. No matter what the circumstances, a man can still choose to be a man, and a good husband, even if he is getting the short end of the stick from a woman. He is so completely correct, it’s utterly amazing. And I’m not saying that cus I’m a girl. He had just provided this wonderful experience for me not too long back and realized what comes of it. And after that answer I almost teared up as I looked at him and said, honey,… congratulations,… you have now become a MAN. * laughing*.
I do want to say that I can only speak for myself, and that while there are similarities among men, we are all individuals and my reasons and situations may not be the same as everyone else. I also think there are different reasons why men are attracted to porn. Anyway, I probably started viewing porn in Jr high. At the time the viewing primarily consisted of magazines ranging from Playboy to Hustler. I got a bunch of magazines from a friend and my brother and I, who is a year younger, kept them in the attic. We would tell my parents that we were using it as our clubhouse, but basically would go up and check out the pictures. We had them well hidden, but one time left them out and it happened to be a time when my dad went up there. He was never really big into porn that I ever recall, and actually told us on a couple of occasions that it was wrong, so I thought we were going to be in huge trouble, but he and my mom just said they were going to get rid of it, but understood it was a phase we were going through. I was never really huge into porn in my middle to late teens primarily due to availability. That being said, I did go to a drive in once at age 16 with my brother that had a triple feature of soft core stuff, but it was too much. By the third movie, I didn’t want to see another breast again for as long as I lived. That really didn’t last long. I purchased a Playboy here and there but wasn’t really into porn too much again mainly due to availability,…
hospital staff, I was taken to the bedside of my baby girl. My previous two births were normal, so I had no experience with what I was about to see. There she was, so tiny, and hooked up to more things than I could ascertain. Even so, there she was. I was afraid to touch her, I couldn’t hold her in my arms, but I shyly began to speak to her and let her know I was here. I felt timid amidst all the nurses, doctors, and hustle occurring in the NICU. I was younger, had it been today that wouldn’t have crossed my mind. Relieved to be there, tearful at the unknown confusion of her health, and exhausted, I was ready to take on the next thing. Whatever I needed to do to help her, I would. However I could improve her recovery, I was there. The hospital found a family room for us to sleep in that evening just a few steps away from where Amariah was. I remember speaking to faraway family on the phone and finally laying down to sleep. The sounds of the hospital running in the back of my consciousness all throughout 
the night, my body got some much needed rest. It was August 2002, my new baby girl had pulled through a difficult delivery, and was here looking at me. Thankfully. I had only seen her for just a mere moment at her birth, with her eyes closed, as they wheeled her away to a medi-vac. I had no idea then, but this wouldn’t be the last time I had to let her go away in an ambulance without me….
So now say ‘duh’to me,…wouldn’t you want to make the best situation you can for your kids? Over the course of the last week, there has been some pretty intense ups and downs. Ridiculous ones actually. After our first little spat, I decided to move on from it and try again. Then the second one occurred, and it got me extremely flustered. I couldn’t believe twice in the same week we were having this! Over minute issues a ferocious storm would occur, to the point of mental destruction and emotional devastation. Chance three began Sunday, and coincidentally enough, my husband figured out how to fuck it all up once again by replacing his abusive attitude with a porn addicted one instead. Nice. He is completely draining me, and decreasing my ability to live happily and raise happy children. So, as I am trying to keep myself up and going, I got to thinking about emotional abuse. I hesitate to coin my situation as “abusive” for some reason, because I can fight back just as well as the rest of them. So in return its both of us not communicating well, not just him. But I’m not one hundred percent positive I’m correct. Here’s why, he embodies the characteristics of an abuser: He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family. He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments. Abusers, are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates. His sense of masculinity depends on the woman’s dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him. Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend. He has low self-esteem. He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents’ marriage was, or its opposite. He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations. He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He would not be drunk if she didn’t nag him so much. He wouldn’t get angry if only she would do what she’s supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling because there’s nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through. He may be described as having a dual personality — he is either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or generous depending on his mood. A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing. The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn’t relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when he’s angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other — often his mother. There is not one statement above that is not true, and that is definitely something to swallow. Isn’t everyone like this? No. What rock have I been under? Oh yeah, his….which looks a little something like this : Tension increases, there is a breakdown of communication, I feel the need to placate him. Then there is verbal and emotional abuse. Anger, blaming, arguing, threats, and intimidation. Then he apologizes, gives excuses, blames me, denies the abuse occurred, or says it wasn’t as bad as I claim. Last, the incident is “forgotten”, no abuse is taking place for some sort of passing time.
For the sake of my home and my marriage – it has to stop. But the truth is, do we know how? Plagued by porn all my life, I’ve never developed any comfort or complacency with it. It was always in the house I grew up in, in many forms. I understand how prevalent it is in our culture, yet I disagree with it completely. I worry for my sons and am in disgust at the indulgence grown men take in it. This is a big deal to me. I see it robbing me, competing with me, and handicapping men’s intimate lives. Men who are addicted to porn are drawn into harder forms of it over time, and lose the emotional capacity to connect or relate with a real woman . Porn is not an educational tool on how to have sex either boys. I don’t want to be looked at as a porn star in bed, or someone who will bend over the same way she did on the latest video. That is not love making, connecting, or intimacy of any kind. This shallowness infuriates me, exploitation maddens me, and expectation saddens me. Most women, no matter how they feel about porn, constantly feel the need to remodel their appearence as this industry skews and distorts the body images of today’s woman. Marriages and relationships are prone to a breakdown of closeness and trust as porn infiltrates their intimate lives. Children today are exposed to more pornography than ever before, and are more likely to have sex at a younger age, possibly mimicking what they see on-line or elsewhere. Many get all their sexual knowledge solely from the media of pornography. I want it to stop affecting my life,…and our culture. For the sake of many generations to come, this is not healthy. And as I said, for the sake of my home, there has to be a solution.
Last night I stayed up and watched Revolutionary Road. I have wanted to see this since it came out, the story intrigued me. I felt like I was watching a strange play, the way it was put on screen, but I was hooked to their characters. Some may not find this impressive or compelling, but I liked it. Its a story worth telling. I felt every emotion she went through and completely understood her struggle,… however, on a side note, my fascination of living in the fifties was a bit jaded because every man she had sex with only lasted like thirty seconds. Thats just wrong.
University of Chicago student Steve Saltarelli is the president of an advocacy group on the University of Chicago campus called Men In Power. He believes the group will bring awareness to mens issues. (Chicago Tribune photo by Phil Velasquez / May 20, 2009)
‘Power’ move by male students ruffles U. of C.
- By Sara Olkon | Tribune reporter
- 11:34 PM CDT, May 27, 2009
A group of University of Chicago students think it’s time the campus focused more on its men.
A third-year student from Lake Bluff has formed Men in Power, a student organization that promises to help men get ahead professionally. But the group’s emergence has been controversial, with some critics charging that its premise is misogynistic.
Others say it’s about time men are championed, noting that recent job losses hit men harder and that women earn far more bachelor’s and master’s degrees than do men.
“It’s an enormous disparity now,” said Warren Farrell, author of “The Myth of Male Power” and former board member of the New York chapter of the National Organization for Women. He noted, among other things, an imbalance in government and private initiatives that advance the interests of women and girls.
“It’s like saying ‘is it OK for the Yankees to keep recruiting new players because the Chicago Cubs have not won as often?’ “
Steve Saltarelli, the president of Men in Power, wrote a satirical column in March in which he suggested forming such a group. “Anyone with an interest in both studying and learning from men in powerful positions, as well as issues involved with reverse sexism, may become a member of MiP,” he wrote.
Shortly after the column ran, Saltarelli started getting e-mail messages from men eager to join.
“Mainly people are just excited about the idea that men can have a group as well,” Saltarelli explained.
Sharlene Holly, associate dean of students and the director of student activities, said the University of Chicago has approximately nine women’s advocacy groups on campus; this group would be the first male advocacy group.
Saltarelli said some 125 students — including a few women — have joined the group via its Facebook page. He said the group would host pre-professional groups in law, medicine and business, foster ties with alumni, bring in speakers to discuss masculinity and mentor local middle school students as part of its “Little Men in Power” program.
Holly said she expected to approve the organization’s application this week. As a registered student organization, Men in Power could then apply for event funding. The group plans to hold its first event, a student panel discussion titled “Gender and Media: Trespassing the Taboo,” on June 2.
Saltarelli, who plans to attend law school, said the emergence of Men in Power has angered some students, especially “people very set in their ways.”
To be sure, its title attracts attention.
“The name implies some things that I don’t love,” said Liz Scoggin, a third-year student who joined the group a couple of weeks ago and now heads its outreach efforts. “I feel like it implies there aren’t enough men in power or that kind of thing.”
But Scoggin, who is close friends with Saltarelli, said she joined after learning more about the group’s aims and after she felt assured that the organization would not pursue a sexist agenda.
Jessica Pan, president of Women in Business and a fourth-year student, questioned whether Men in Power’s goals were being met by existing student groups.
“I’m not sure we really need another student organization that focuses on pre-professional development for men,” Pan said, noting that, in just the area of business, there were five or six students groups that were gender-neutral.
Similarly, Ali Feenstra, a third-year student and a member of the Feminist Majority, questioned Men in Power’s utility.
“It’s like starting ‘white men in business’ — there’s not really any purpose,” she said
Fred Hayward, founder of Men’s Rights Inc., would disagree.
Hayward, who is based in Sacramento, Calif., started his men’s group in 1977. Then and now, he said, women have not paid enough attention to what it means to be a man in modern society.
Hayward said one of the biggest myths borne of the women’s movement was that men like to help each other out.
“We are competing directly for access to women and jobs,” he said.
The group’s birth comes at a time when the recessionary ax has fallen especially hard on men. In April, the national unemployment rate for men was 10 percent compared with 7.6 percent for women, said Mark Perry, an economist at the University of Michigan in Flint.
That gap is an “all-time historical high,” said Perry, who attributed it in part to a loss of jobs in male-dominated fields such as manufacturing and construction.
At the same time, he noted, women today hold about three out of the four jobs in education and health care — both stable or expanding job fields.
Future employment is also an issue, some experts say. Since 1981, women have collected 135 for every 100 bachelor’s degrees awarded to men, according to Perry. The gap is even wider at the master’s level, with women trumping men 150 to 100, he said.
Saltarelli hopes Men in Power will help more men get ahead while raising awareness of the male experience.
“If we have good men in our society, everyone benefits,” he said.
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Thank You JEN!!! I Love you!!!
In Twitter, comments on June 26, 2009 at 9:59 am