amberausten

Posts Tagged ‘abuse’

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Separated

In marriage, relationships on September 25, 2009 at 11:34 am

Update:  We took a three to four day hiatus,…..( I wish that said Hawaii, but it so does not )  to get some priorities straight and maybe create some breathing room. We did however work out a deal come Monday about staying in the same house again,… and my husband returned. The major problem? Respect. In times of stress, we both need to still remain respectful in the way we communicate and the words we choose to say. It’s easy to let fear  lead to hate, hate lead to anger, and anger  turn you to the darkside,….( hehe)

Luckily we have both remained on the good side.

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Tested Limits

In marriage, relationships on September 23, 2009 at 8:32 pm

It really can’t get more horrible or uncomfortable. Nobody would be so disrespectful to me. If there is any button to push, my husband is trying to. Childishness and immaturity abound, lies, going back on his word, and mean words spill freely out of his mouth. I’m trying to stay calm and not react to all of the ridiculous comments. My self control is being tested to it’s highest degree, and I feel incredibly lonely and hurt.
God help me,….

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The Temptations of a Woman Forgotten

In Blogs, divorce, marriage, relationships, sex on August 13, 2009 at 3:57 pm

You know, when couples experience marriage problems,… so many things can possibly occur. First of all, most don’t even try, they just get divorced. Others take an already bad situation, and make it worse, turning to affairs, multiple sex partners betraying the marriage, drugs, alcohol, and other things that make the relationship already in dire straights pretty much irreparable. Both could turn to porn to replace their sex lives, also, taking the relationship in the wrong direction.

We all have choices on what to do when challenges face us. We can choose to tear apart or rebuild, walk away or try harder to find a solution. And sometimes divorce is warranted and just the right thing to do, don’t get me wrong.

As a woman faced with a few challenges maritally myself, I had many temptations and choices to make over the duration of excrutiatingly difficult times. To think I just sailed through them all never having bad thoughts cross my mind is foolish. Men approach you, opportunites come and go, drugs and alcohol are readily available. Even suicide or dissapperence can cross your mind.
But there is always a better choice, and a healthy way to cope with difficulty as well. Sharing, discussing, self care, therapy, journaling, exercise, and other outside personal interests can help during difficult times. Hiding is not the answer, and keeping everything to oneself is counter productive and unhealthy. Don’t ever go it alone or feel ashamed to share what you struggle with.  Especially when serious issues of abuse, emotional abuse, adultery, alcohol and drug abuse, and neglect are occurring. Its easy to become trapped in all the twisted schemes of such a close relationship; things like dependence,  lonliness, shame, and fear can keep you from knowing where to move next, and keep you from talking….

We all deserve to be able to have our voice heard somewhere….

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Crying in our Pillows

In relationships on June 14, 2009 at 5:44 pm

Which raises the question, are we a ‘victimizing ‘ culture and overly saturated with the word ‘abuse’?

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Pervading The Soul

In divorce, marriage, relationships on June 14, 2009 at 3:41 pm

vintage_adSo now say ‘duh’to me,…wouldn’t you want to make the best situation you can for your kids? Over the course of the last week, there has been some pretty intense ups and downs. Ridiculous ones actually. After our first little spat, I decided to move on from it and try again. Then the second one occurred, and it got me extremely flustered. I couldn’t believe twice in the same week we were having this! Over minute issues a ferocious storm would occur, to the point of mental destruction and emotional devastation. Chance three began Sunday, and coincidentally enough, my husband figured out how to fuck it all up once again by replacing his abusive attitude with a porn addicted one instead. Nice. He is completely draining me, and decreasing my ability to live happily and raise happy children. So, as I am trying to keep myself up and going, I got to thinking about emotional abuse. I hesitate to coin my situation as “abusive” for some reason, because I can fight back just as well as the rest of them. So in return its both of us not communicating well, not just him. But I’m not one hundred percent positive I’m correct. Here’s why, he embodies the characteristics of an abuser: He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family. He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments. Abusers, are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates. His sense of masculinity depends on the woman’s dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him. Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend. He has low self-esteem. He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents’ marriage was, or its opposite. He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations. He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He would not be drunk if she didn’t nag him so much. He wouldn’t get angry if only she would do what she’s supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling because there’s nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through. He may be described as having a dual personality — he is either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or generous depending on his mood. A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing. The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn’t relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when he’s angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other — often his mother. There is not one statement above that is not true, and that is definitely something to swallow. Isn’t everyone like this? No. What rock have I been under? Oh yeah, his….which looks a little something like this : Tension increases, there is a breakdown of communication, I feel the need to placate him. Then there is verbal and emotional abuse. Anger, blaming, arguing, threats, and intimidation. Then he apologizes, gives excuses, blames me, denies the abuse occurred, or says it wasn’t as bad as I claim. Last, the incident is “forgotten”, no abuse is taking place for some sort of passing time.

So, then I went on to the effects long term abuse has on a person: isolation from others, depression, withdrawal from real life into an internet alternative reality,… amongst others. Yes, I’ve struggled with these, and it seems to be getting increasingly harder to manage them. You as a reader might be saying duh,.. we’ve seen this all along ,.. but accepting means possibly separating our family. Accepting means breaking four little hearts and lives in a divorce. Accepting means visitation and court ordered rights. Living with this only breaks mine. Someday he can emotionally manipulate our kids, but this would happen either with me around or not. If we’re together I can be there for my kids, not have to wait till it’s too late to find out. I would rather be there, knowing exactly what’s occuring with my children, and keep them as healthy as possible. Chances are much greater for them to experience less of this if our home remains intact and I remain in some kind of control over their lives, not relinquish it every other weekend and on Wednesdays,…

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Their Advocates

In headlines, kids, mommyhood, special needs on May 13, 2009 at 12:53 pm

The abuse of the mentally disabled. I read about this story, and watched the videos , of a ‘fight club’ created by the care takers of some mentally disabled adults at a school here in Texas. I watched in disgust and fear. As an idealist thinker of the human soul, reminders like this of the capacity of our cruelity disheartens me. Yes, we are all capable of evils, but some go beyond my comprehension, and this is one of them. More importantly, I learned a big lesson in the quality of care the state gives our vulnerable residents. To think I had actually considered a place outside of my home one day for our daughter to live in her adulthood makes me sick to myself. The world, for the most part, is just not safe enough out there it seems. I do not know what she will or will not be capable of by the time she is in her twenties. I have had to consider though, what her options might be if she is not capable of independence. I am told by some professionals that disabled adults can benefit greatly from living outside of their original homes, create their own kind of ‘independence’ and unique life. So, I opened up my mind to it a bit and knew I would research the possibility in the future. I also daydream of travelling the world with my husband and her too. Taking her on adventure after adventure, and living with her at our home. So, after this story breaking in the news, I’ve almost made up my mind to do the latter. She is a beautiful girl who may not be able to defend herself from people wanting to take advantage of her weaknesses, idk. Her parents and siblings are the only ones in the world here to advocate for her, provide care in her best interest, and keep her safe….and we intend to do just that. Advocate for your special loved ones,they need you.

You can read the story below in the next post

The video here:

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In headlines on May 13, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Chorpus Christi State School Investigated after “fight club” videos of residents found
12:00 AM CDT on Wednesday, March 11, 2009 By EMILY RAMSHAW / The Dallas Morning News
eramshaw@dallasnews.com / The Dallas Morning News
Robert T. Garrett contributed to this report.
 
AUSTIN – Gov. Rick Perry suspended admissions to the Corpus Christi State School on Tuesday after police allegations that profoundly disabled residents had been forced into “fight club”-style battles by the employees hired to care for them.
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Authorities say vivid video footage captured on cellphone cameras shows staffers goading young mentally disabled male residents of the institution into physical altercations, then shoving them at each other until fights ensued.

The investigation into the 11 current or former state school employees identified in the videos is continuing, and police say it’s not clear whether they were betting on the outcome of fights or uploading them to the Internet. While the video indicates some residents were hurt in the fights, none sustained serious injuries. Officials would not say how many residents were involved.

“Workers were staging fight clubs with the residents for their own entertainment. It’s awful abuse – some of the worst I’ve seen in over 30 years,” Corpus Christi police Capt. Tim Wilson said. “I’ve heard of isolated incidents before, but what’s most appalling is that it’s obvious this is organized.”

Arrests could come later this week, the local prosecutor said.

 

State school overhaul 

At the governor’s direction, officials with the Department of Aging and Disability Services halted new admissions to the Corpus Christi State School on Tuesday and ordered that video cameras quickly be installed at all 13 institutions for the mentally disabled. They also ordered more security officers and overnight supervisors for the facilities, as well as staff to monitor the cameras.

The revelation of the videos, first reported by The Dallas Morning News, comes as lawmakers are debating how to overhaul the state schools for the disabled, which the U.S. Department of Justice accused of systemic abuse and widespread civil rights violations late last year.

On Monday, the Senate unanimously approved a bill to protect state school residents from mistreatment – a measure deemed an emergency by Perry. His chief of staff, Jay Kimbrough, who traveled to Corpus Christi on Tuesday evening, said he planned to stay until safeguards were in place.

“This is exactly why we wanted this to be an emergency priority,” Kimbrough said. “There are things we can do immediately. We need to implement as much of this as quickly as possible.”

Administrators at the Corpus Christi State School did not return phone calls.

The brawls are captured on repeated videos filmed during 2007 and 2008, along with one that appears to have been taken last month, authorities said. Wilson said they show “staged events” where residents push, kick and punch each other, then have their arms raised in victory when they “win.”

The videos, which also have sound, were discovered on a cellphone that was turned in to an off-duty police officer at a local hospital after being found lying in the road. The videos were so clear that investigators were able to determine that they were captured in public “day rooms” at the state school, which is home to 350 residents.

Democratic Rep. Abel Herrero, whose district includes the 100-acre Corpus Christi State School, said he was told that the fight clubs occurred during an overnight shift.

 

‘Disgraceful’ 

The Corpus Christi allegations are “disgraceful, unacceptable,” said Rep. Patrick Rose, a Dripping Springs Democrat who has authored state-school safety legislation and a separate bill to close some of the institutions in favor of community living. “It provides further proof of the fact that we need greater oversight and accountability in our state school settings.”

Wilson said police learned of the cellphone last week and opened a joint investigation with the Texas Health and Human Services Commission’s inspector general. He declined to say how many residents were involved.

Seven current state school employees in the videos have been put on emergency leave pending the outcome of the investigation. Four other employees identified in the videos no longer work for the state school.

So far, no arrests have been made. Nueces County District Attorney Carlos Valdez said his office is taking the allegations very seriously, and expects police to seek arrest warrants late this week.

The state school safety bill, which still must be approved by the House, would appoint an independent ombudsman to oversee all abuse and neglect investigations in Texas’ institutions for the disabled. It would require fingerprinting, background checks and random drug testing of all state school employees, and would install security cameras in all public areas of the facilities – something Kimbrough says might have prevented the Corpus Christi situation.

Rep. Solomon Ortiz Jr., D-Corpus Christi, called the state school case “unbelievable,” and said lawmakers have been trying for years to bring attention to the state’s dismal care for the disabled.

“We’ve been sounding the alarms,” he said. “Unfortunately, it took a long time to get the leadership of Texas to focus on this issue.”

Staff writer Robert T. Garrett contributed to this report.

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A Difficult Journey

In difficult memories, marriage, mommyhood, relationships, special needs on April 19, 2009 at 10:30 am

Motherhood After Depression…                                                                  A bit of my story

This is not necessarily the easiest post to write, but it is something a lot of us go through as mothers. There are so many reasons we can fall into a slump, and let time pass us by before we realize how much time was lost.

I am not sure what I even remember about the last 4 to 5 years. The only thing that stands out as good all that time was my youngest son, Austen. Everything thing else around me…the other kids and my marriage, were shadows of failure. He was the bright star in the middle of the difficulties that kept me smiling. I eventually blocked everything else out almost, and remained close to him. Wrong maybe. But I am thankful even for this. Without him, I am not sure how I would have reacted. Such a huge responsibility for such a tiny person who needs his Momma, not the other way around.  Before this period of sadness, I had relied on who I thought was God.

Many things happened simultaneously to spur a bout of depression. And, I knew I was struggling with it. I actively worked hard that whole time to keep my head above water. I honestly did my very best. And, its tough to admit to myself that the complete mess of me was the best I could be at the time. I had so many other plans for my kids than what I was able to achieve. I had desired to be a joyous wife in my marriage. All of that crumbled. Many a dream had to be lost. I had to admit: what I was experiencing was hard and unmanageable. I was in counseling almost the whole time, and chose not to use anti depressives at all. I opted to use exercise , vitamins, etc. to try and help me feel better. This was and still is difficult, but I am pleased this is the route I took.

I write this as I find myself back in this situation just the past couple days. It’ll lift within the next two, which is a turnaround time I’m proud of. A brief downturn if you will. I’m not sure if one’s pensiveness towards depression in handling life’s problems ever goes away completely, it seems to always be lurking around the corner waiting to take hold again. We, I suppose, just have to learn how to overcome it repeatedly, and understand how not to use that as a coping mechanism so often. I’m also sure what we call “depression” is quite normal and a part of  life on various levels for all people.

I use to be a completely different person before, always and continually striving to be the best at marriage and motherhood. The dressed prim and proper kids, girls with decorated hair and nails, myself never leaving the house without getiing completely ready. Planned social calendars with friends and playdates. Organized activities for the kids that were educational and stimulating: museum outings, park play, arts and crafts, reading reading reading aloud, and implemented homeschooling curriculum. I ran the home great, made it look nice, payed all the bills on time, and budgeted our money. I learned in a frenzy as many new recipes as possible and made delightful dishes often, cooking everyday. Breakfast was a must in my home before, always warm and on the table before work. I considered it vital- and the easiest meal to put on the table out of the day. I absolutely loved being pregnant, and did that often! Pregnancies always went well with me, and made me happy. I thought I had so much to look forward to, and hope abounding. My interest in spiritual matters took me down a great journey of learning and I was in fellowship with some wonderful friends along that path. Then, our military contract was up, and we moved to Austin.

Austin is wonderful as a city, so no blame to this gorgeous town. But It all went down from here. The first couple of years were still manageable, my husbands company sent us to Las Vegas so often, VIP, we had a lot of fun. But I wasn’t successfully connecting to new friends or moms I could relate to. Moms on a similar journey as my own. Marriage troubles began becoming increasingly apparent, and surmounting. The more I realized what was becoming of my husband, the more I tried to hide from the rest of the world. His drug use was increasing, I was finding it in my home, and he was different. He had no friends I would want to be around. How could I introduce him to my friends? How could I hang with family and they not notice? The thought to leave him at this time never occurred to me. I began trying to fix it by being better, trying even harder, reading reading reading to get more ideas. I always covered up anything that was happening at home, and presented our relationship as going well. I couldnt be real to anyone anymore, not even my family. I was so afraid if I opened up to them they would reject my husband, who had already worked so hard to gain credibility with them in the first place. I avoided going further in this spiritual journey I had begun for the same reason. How could I introduce our marriage to the community I wanted to be involved in, surely they would see right through us. I finally got my last blow,  another bout of infidelity in our marriage, of many previous ones. I had been transmitted STD’s from my husbands other partner/s. I began unraveling. I was also struggling with post pardom depression coupled with a grief of not being able to have any more children. I know, four is plenty, but I wanted more. Along side these two difficulties, I was completely alone in managing the care of my special needs daughter with multiple disabilities. We had so many therapy appointments, and specialists to visit regularly, it was nuts. Everything I used to do well stopped happening. I dropped it all.

Even right now I wonder what my kids must think of me as this ” bad” mom, and if they miss the good one. I wonder if they remember all the things I use to do really well, or if they just see me as never quite doing enough. I fear they will grow to become angry with me, and I fear we will lose our connection forever.

And to be honest, titling this,…” after depression” may not be so appropriate. I think I have just a little more unraveling to do. But at least now, I found a way to start rebuilding. I am so thankful for that. My husband is in a much better place personally as is beginning to be like the person I had married to begin with. I don’t feel so worried about the kids if we were to divorce, because I know he would still be a good dad.  Previously I felt I had to stay married because it was the best way to protect my children. Visitation at that time would have been scary and possibly unsafe. Mending a marriage that has some of the previous grievences is not an easy job, but we we have been attempting to together. I am not sure whats in store for all of us, but the sadness has lifted and I am beginning again to hope.


Cycles

In relationships on April 3, 2009 at 7:08 pm

abuse_cycle1
Its rather calm here,…kinda odd, but it does happen in cycles. I’m curious how much of this above we are on. A bit disheartening to think we would be experiencing abuse cycles, emotionally or psychologically. I don’t like thinking of myself as one who is dealing with this. But, reality is what it is,…

So its calm now and I’m settling in the comfort of having some peace around. At the expense of not remembering the harsh reality of my options, and possibility of an incident occuring again. Unpredictability and surprise seem to be the rule, not the exception. Hence, I hesitate to get to comfortable enjoying my life to soon. I do not take for granted the ” pretend” times of everything seeming great. Sometimes, I just have to let my defenses down and get in a nice hug or a movie on the couch. Its exhausting to be separated, in the same house, and trying to fix a relationship. Consuming. Dreary. Boring. Difficult.  I am rather tired of hearing everyone’s professional opinion and suggestions of self care. Its time the rubber meets the road and decisions be made soon. The predicament of taking a risk to stay in this relationship or going it alone, is huge. I’m hoping he makes the effort to prove himself, because I’m not taking a risk based on the information I have now. There must be more done,…much much more.

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Shituations

In divorce, marriage on March 6, 2009 at 8:55 am

…..currently I am in a no contact contract with the spouse. We have been in marriage counseling since July 2008. The contract  started because we were fighting too much, too angrily. I’m really enjoying myself since it began,…like,…LOTS!! I can see this as my life in general. Alone, on my own, and happy. He was equally as relieved in the beginning of the contract I believe. ( one week today) Then we had a  “session ” Wednesday. Both of us unthrilled to be there, and didn’t resolve any of this phase of fights and anger. She asked us to remain in a holding pattern, not to make it better or worse, and remain. Until next time of course. But he has taken his guard down and has been reaching out to me since. He is being nice and touchy feely. I am not ready for that at all, for reasons that dont need to be explained at this juncture. We are besically separated , but under one roof. Another recommendation from the almighty and wise counselor…..

So, its  a bit akward and uncomfortable. I dont want to keep rejecting, but he needs to stay away for awhile,……..Back off man. You’ve been acting like a shit up until now.


Annoygravated

In marriage on March 5, 2009 at 9:22 am

Sadly, the man of the house lost his cool and tackled down his wife in various ways. The wife hurt mildly in the nose and small bruise on the back, as well as back pain from the body slam, never explains to the man or others of those. She has stayed completely away since, no talking.

The man has complained of the scratch she gave him on the face from trying to get away everyday since, out loud, like if anybody gives a shit. Grew a full face shadow to cover it. Newsflash: it cant even be seen, you are a delusional attention whore.