Things really took a sharper turn up , I feel a lot of positive energy and hope again…. And I’m relishing in it. It’s been seven years since I’ve felt this way
As I’m going about this season I remember where I was last year, such a huge difference. I’m thankful.
Posts Tagged ‘change’
Progress
In Its Personal on December 30, 2009 at 2:38 pmThe Face of a New Man
In health, marriage, relationships on October 27, 2009 at 1:12 pmI woke up this morning not knowing who I was living with any longer. One complete month has officially passed since my husband left his job, stayed home for three weeks, and found a new and better one. It has also been about twenty days of him
on prescription medication for anxiety…
And this may sound insanely ridiculous, but I find myself grieving. Even though the heightened drama and stress of his anxiety was a bad thing, it was familiar. It was normal. Even though it was causing so many problems,… it’s what I knew. The rise and falls of our relationship became a pattern I am accustomed to. I have a heartfelt loss on my hands I cried rivers over, but this was good, I was crying. I have not been able to do that for years, and I am relieved to realize I still care, still feel, and have opened up that much more to us regaining what we had.
Now I feel as though we have to start all over to build our relationship. There are new terms, new behaviours, a completely different man. He has patience, and some understanding. Situations that exploded him no longer do. Instead he responds with ,….. dare I say ,…. words. ( gasp) And gasping is exactly what my old brain is doing. It is also preparing for the worst every morning, to the point where I am over exaggerating situations because I am expecting what I say to be reacted to un-proportionally. But it’s not happening! And *I look like the idiot! So I repeat what I said a post or so ago, I need to take it down a notch. There are issues we are cleaning up, for sure, but not with near the drama or emotional drain. They are issues that are normal in life- finances, family, schedules, etc. Now I have to re-learn how to live life. I want to say, ‘ but what about when he is taken off meds?’ But really, why.
I listened a study yesterday about memories, and how the same event in memory changes the more its thought about. It stated that we rarely have a genuine true account of a memory, especially if we think about it often. The study also revealed how bringing up the memory while on medication can change the way the memory feels when recollected, it softens it a bit. It is then re- stored in your brain as a bad memory, as opposed to an overwhelming debilitating one. This gave me insight into the benefit of medication and therapy combined, and I can only say I am hoping for the best results.
Listen to this:
Read This:
Cult of Personality
In finances, marriage, mommyhood, relationships on October 19, 2009 at 11:51 amHow do you rebuild,…. yourself? I could sit here all da
y and blame others for my situation, but all I can really do is look at how I got myself here and how I’ll get out. The sticky part is marriage. In a dependent union such as we have, some things are affected by the other. This makes me uncomfortable right now and unsure about my future. I seem to be all wound up with anxiety, overwhelming responsibility, and almost incapacitating unknowns.
Today’s repeat of joblessness is crushing my productivity. Why it is I am freezing up in the face our situation is escaping me,… but I am. There are times I feel ready to take it all on, usually at the end of the day when I should be going to bed. And there are these times, that carry a heaviness about them mirroring walking through mud and partial quicksand. My usual avenues of escape are old to me now, you can only escape the same exact problem so many times. Eventually, the lack of solution weighs you down. What was temporary has over-stayed its welcome just a little too long.
To make matters interesting family is involved now. Thankfully, yes, but this also poses pressure of a different kind- all of their virgin opinions suddenly hitting the scene. While they play catch up to figuring out why we are where we are, and I educate them on this lovely topic, I hear the questions I have been mulling over in my mind amplified. These questions of ” what will you do to prevent this from happening again ?” ” How will you prepare yourself if you don’t stay married?” ” Where will you be looking for a job in case you don’t stay married?” ” When will you know if you are going to stay married?” Then scores of opinions and observations they see in my husband to justify their points. It’s too much.
These questions multiplied by one, myself, is even too much.
But we are past some of t
hese questions, I think. His personality and behaviour are nothing to complain about since he’s been home looking for a new job. He has become a better person, one with greater understanding of who I really am, verses the scary things he creates in his head while away. So, my big question is – will this last once he returns to the workplace? I believe until then I seem to be holding my breath, literally. If he maintains this character, I am all in. Why did he become who he was these past few years? Where did he get lost? What tripped him up? Is it a permanent problem or was it temporary? I have yet to know for sure,….
Trying to breathe.
He’s Being Such a Good Boy
In marriage, relationships on September 4, 2009 at 12:38 pmWhat else is there to say? I’m super proud of my husband,…. He’s working so hard on personal stuff and being very nice. Now I remember THIS guy !
Value Clash
In marriage, relationships, spirituality on May 24, 2009 at 12:13 pm… Is what happens when you marry someone with different values, or when someone in the relationship drastically changes during it’s course. It seems to be a core area of many power struggles. From how to live your everyday life to parenting, from choosing your friends to choosing your life goals. Having things in common is one thing, having common values is essential. As a young girl, practically adviceless on guy picking , I chose my husband. In my peon head I thought because we shared the same religious views at the time, that we had the same values,…fyi, that’s not the way to tell! I had utter and complete faith in who his best was by what he told me, and failed to look at the bigger clues. Who was his family? How were his parents, with their kids and each other?What was their reputation in the community? How did his dad treat his mom? How did they handle money? All these are indicators as to what your man will do. Romantic phases all end, there will be a time of testing – are your values grounded and resolved? ( and why do i suddenly feel like jesse watson writing? *laughing* ) I do realize people can become better, create a higher standard and gain values if they seek them. Yet there is always that underlying default mode that can be difficult to get rid of. And ideally these things should be questioned,changed, and practiced before you marry and before kids. Otherwise, it’s just extremely difficult. So where does that leave me? I’m not quite sure yet, still sifting through our values and trying to match them up. I’ve done a lot of changing and growing myself lately, and have different ideas about life. You gotta remember, we had a lot more in common before we “grew up”. My insecurities and immaturities lent nicely to his. I think our growth rates just got skewed and we became different for each other during change. What can I say, for being together since high school, what can you expect? It’ll work out eventually,…
Shituations, Now Situations?
In divorce, marriage, relationships on April 13, 2009 at 2:30 pmNow I’m worried,.. What if I’m making a mistake? As I’ve written before, the state of my marriage is questionable. But, ever since I began writing about it,… actually ever since the dramatic weekend he began reading my blog, it’s been quiet. I think he is afraid to do something outright stupid because he knows I’ll write about it! This can be good I suppose. It’s been great actually. He’s been behaving like a perfect gentleman. Like I say, I’m worried. Is this real? Did he just realize how bad it was finally? Will this last? Surely the “honeymoon” will end soon, right? I am just so surprised at how quickly everything turned around and how quickly I feel so much better. I didn’t expect this, we’d been struggling for 5 years! As I have cautiously waited for ‘the’ turnaround in the past, so will I cautiously wait to see if this is it. I have all the time in the world to watch and see if this is a genuine, 100% real , new and better him.
He said, She said
In he said she said, marriage, relationships on April 11, 2009 at 7:34 amShe said : “why are you so different?”
He said : “What do you mean why am I so different?,…. I’m just not an ass!”
ROTFL, HAHA!!
Empty Spaces
In divorce, marriage, relationships on March 26, 2009 at 11:38 amSo interesting,..its been a bit quieter than normal around here lately in my separated/married relationship and with the children . Enough so I am starting to realize I can do better things with my time, rather than emotionally recovering over something. Some of the decisions I’ve been making for change are working I suppose! I definately feel more at peace, and in a powerful position. It was easy not to feel any power in the relationship for some time, I stayed home and he earned our money. I had a small world of just my kids and me, with a couple of acquaintances and friends. I never shared my struggles with ANYONE for fear of making ourselves look bad, or ruining his reputation. If you are doing any of these, stop. It doesn’t work, or help, or make anything better. I was hiding. God forbid anyone find out I was as normal as them! Granted, some of our challenges are to the extreme, but in reality, we all have our difficulties. I got help educating my kids, and relieved that stress and pressure, …I drew strength from my community of faith and asked for help, ….and opened up to my loved ones and became more willing to share the truth. I stopped worrying about his character, and focused on who I am. I cannot cover or hide who my husband really is, it doesn’t allow him to grow or change, or learn from mistakes. Same goes for me as well. …
So, off to better and happier things,…I shall fill these empty spaces with more joy, more love, and abundant life.
