amberausten

Posts Tagged ‘coping’

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Pancakes for Dinner

In family, marriage, ptsd on January 11, 2010 at 8:12 pm

Upstairs in my daughter’s room,… I sit on her bed just watching. She isn’t going to get herself dressed, I’m trying to muster up some energy, no – motivation – to do it. I give verbal commands to the other three to brush, floss, change…. but in here I fall to my side on her bed and sigh.

” Perfection “

I did not get anything done today really, though I should have. It doesn’t bother me too much, but at the same time it does. My husband walks in with that look in his eye of disappointment, skepticism, and blame. He has a knack about him when he goes into his not so happy place, to blame everything wrong on me or some other outer circumstances. It’s quite charming. And since Friday he’s been struggling. That’s when the thought crosses my mind, “Look alive! Act like you’ve got it together and that you are doing nothing, ON PURPOSE!” His judgemental and insecure eyes glazed over at me in disgust, and doubt.

Living in these circumstances does take some strength, courage, and emotional energy. And when it’s a particularly harder spell for him, I need sleep,…the one place I’m free from his criticism, threats, blame, and guilt. A place where I can recover. But really, he gets mad at me for sleeping too.

This was definitely a case of the Mondays. I always plan them to be relaxing and under productive though. A time after the family packed weekend to mentally recharge. So I don’t know why I’m worried about it, except for the fact that my husband will never seem to be at peace with a less than, by his definition, perfect wife.

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Fear Leads to Anger, Anger Leads to Hate, Hate Leads to the Darkside,…

In Military Service, family, marriage, ptsd, relationships on January 5, 2010 at 5:21 pm

Everytime I give any deepness of thought to it, I’m angered….an inward intense frustration rises in me. “It’s not fair!” screams the little girl within.
I’m mad it changed me, I’m pissed it changed the way I raised my kids, I’m sad it affected them.
I run from reality, pretending to go on my day like everything’s normal and we are just fine. “It was a bump in the road,” I tell myself, ” we overcame it” I try to convince.
Truth is, this is merely the beginning. What seems like years of torture and trials deserving to come to a nice closed finish are only starting to be unfolded. I don’t want to realize this, I just want an endpoint. I suppose the endpoint is my moments meditating, praying, or getting lost in a run. That bike ride on the trail, or that moment of dance on stage. Thats where I really like to be….
” It’s a chronic disease” the counselor explained to me. ” likely he’ll be on meds for his entire life.” I quickly fantasize about shoe shopping at Nordstrom, I wonder how many yummy styles I’ll see if I go. OK, back to the room,…

I decided I don’t like her today. She’s uninspiring, plain, quiet. I wonder if I just sit there without questions what she would have for me? She seems educated about facts and all, but un-whole as a person herself. I feel like we are equal, that I already know as much as her with the exception of a few tidbits on PTSD. As she left the room, I picked up one of her books and read it. I learned a lot more in that five minutes than all our meetings together.
I’m a believer in people having to ” click” to really get anywhere, and so far this ain’t clickin. Do I keep trying to pull resources out of her? Perhaps. I’m banking I could get a lot farther, a lot faster, some other way though.
I don’t want to believe my husband will HAVE to be on PTSD medication his whole life. Maybe it’s true, I don’t know.
It’s not as bad as what I was dealing with before it.
So I try to avoid these realities, and achieve denial of a diagnosis…. yet keep it in the back of my mind for emergencies. I’ll get there someday. But for now I focus on happiness, and what I can do to create beauty in a day.

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Tough Realizations,…

In Military Service, marriage, ptsd, relationships on December 26, 2009 at 7:57 pm

Two thousand nine,…. I came out of family turmoil and silence like a bull out of the pen. Just like that, all the composure I’d ever tried to maintain in the previous years was let go. I ran out, angry, raging around an arena with my eye on one thing- my husband. Over and again in the words I wrote I charged at him, challenged him,… I am pretty sure he got hit a few times over.

And we continued this dance of anger, but last week, everything changed.
Late 2009 my husband was told he had PTSD and TBI. What does this mean exactly, I thought. I mentally began to piece together what it is and he began to find a place to be at peace. And while he was returning to himself, I was left in the bull pen with no target. I’ve been running around a bit, fuming some, stomping a lot, wondering what to do next. I learned how to break out of a shell for sure, and live in honesty and acceptance instead of proper appearences. I made mistakes, trusted the wrong people, and I’ve ranted one too many times. But, what did this all mean now? As I left the VA doctors office, I was in tears. “Brain Disorder” she said. ” your husbands PTSD doesn’t allow him to ever turn off his fight or flight response, and there’s no cure.” His amygdala in his brain is constantly on, over active, and he has to learn how to manage his symptoms”, she explained. “The amygdala’s activities are not within the voluntary control of the individual.”
I told her I felt alone, that I had a burden too great, and I couldn’t meet other wives in this situation. She said there’s not a lot, and that it’s hard to live with someone experiencing this diagnosis.
I had no regrets yet till I read back some of the things I wrote over the year,… I was taunting a sick man. It’s like poking a kid who can’t get up and run after you, and laugh. Had I understood more then, it would have been much clearer why things were happening…..
but I wouldn’t change a thing. Because I wrote it out, he read it. Because he read it, he strived to be different. Because he strived, we are still a family today.
Now it’s time I do my part, better.
I saw my mom after this meeting with VA, and it was unfortunate. I was fresh off the realization trail telling her what I learned, and she just stared back at me in disbelief. I cried. I don’t need her negativity. ” But you guys have always had troubles, now you believe this?!” she said. Did you know there is a phenomenon about negativity. The more you dwell on negative stuff, the more everything seems horrible. Even to the point that it’s unrealistic. This happens in at risk marriages a lot. Well exhibit A- my mom and her thoughts about my husband. Heartbreaking. It’s not just my husband, she is a bitter woman about many things, he’s just unfortonate enough to be on that list. I am not in agreement with her, and I know what my husband is experiencing is real.
It is my hope to surround myself with positive and faith filled friends and get through this. In my hopes our family will grow healthier and happier this coming year. In my hopes the terror of war will find someplace else to go.

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Apparently, They Can Be Fixed

In divorce, marriage, relationships on August 25, 2009 at 10:57 pm

shocked_womanAfter THAT whirlwind of emotions, we got in right away to the professionals!
( oh jeeze ) I couldn’t tolerate the berating over and over of the husbands panic attack, and I was getting caught up in it too much. A part of me thought change would be impossible and I needed to think exit strategies. Another part was still willing to get to the damn bottom of this crap and figure out what’s causing it, and see if change could be an outcome. After all, he is a father to our kids whom he influences, why not put in more research and therapy work? With those looming options, neither fun, we stepped into our marriage counselors office. Wanna know what I learned?? It’s kinda crazy!!! It’s not time to quit, it’s not time to leave. I still have more work I needed to do. My work  is to not get hooked into the craziness he’s trying to create. I have to learn not to react to it, at all. If he accuses, know it’s not true and go about my business. Sounds easy, but it’s hard. I thought I was pretty good at that already, but realized I need more practice. I had listened to his craziness, became disheartened by it, and began to feel bad about the whole thing. I had defended myself to him, and fought back,… all not worth it.

She also explained, not to forgive or dismiss his behaviour, that what he is doing is a symptom of PTSD. The place he goes mentally when this occurs and how he handles it is all classic to people with PTSD. OK, this is revealing. After her teaching  him why he may have gotten caught up in his thoughts with unreal truths, he began to calm down a bit. He has currently returned to “normal” for this time. And, I have to say, need to remember what my reality truly is in those strange, extremely stressful situations. I need to hold on tightly to that.

So she sent me on my merry way with those very instructions: don’t get caught up, hooked in, just watch him spin and care for yourself. And I agree. Doesn’t matter if I jump into the mess  with him or not, the end result will be the same. So why shame myself? I’m sure you could be thinking ” eh hem? Leave!?” this was discussed as well, yes. When I finish the work of not getting sucked in, and if he continues this behavior, it’s of her opinion that is the appropriate time to peacefully end the course. I stared at her in shock once in awhile like ” really?! I have to go through more crap?! Not fair!” She believes if I take this course of action, it will help the “crap” dissipate. Hmmmm….. I’m willing to test that theory.

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One of thousands

In Military Service, difficult memories on August 3, 2009 at 2:01 pm

Where were they then?

I got a call today from my husband. He took the day to go try another VA 577305077_zGPg5-Mfacility to find help. Since late two-thousand three/ two-thousand four, he has been trying to get connected with the system the military provides for their honorably discharged soldiers, VA. And since two-thousand three he had found nothing.
Here we are, two-thousand nine. He walked into a different post military environment this time, finally. Six years after his war experience they had some resources available to him. Six years!!!!! That’s my oldest daughters childhood years from age 5-11 , my sons years ages 3-9, my disabled daughters years ages 1-7, and our last sons years newborn to 5.5 of their daddy struggling alone. Six years of our marriage, questioning, wondering, gasping for explanations. Six years of chaos, thoughts of suicide, drug and alcohol dependency, mental escape, blackouts, physical ailments, repressed memories, nightmares, near divorce, abuse, …. post trauma effects. Six years of  his struggles to keep this family together as our sole provider without the help and support he desperately needed. He created a comfortable place for us to live, purchased us a beautiful house in a great  neighborhood, and cared for us all well. This alone was amazing. The turmoil I’ve seen in him the whole time doing so, frightening. And the wives of these soldiers are powerless. We cannot request any help for them, assist them with any paper trails, NOTHING.  I had tried calling and speaking to people over the years about things I saw and what I could do to help him. I got silence. It was only through very limited and sparse private marriage counseling we began to scratch any surface just this year…and I’m not sure its a good idea to open up Pandora’s box without the the necessary resources to deal with the issues that will come out. It was worse than keeping it closed it seemed. Fortunately though, more help has come today. And I am tearfully grateful.

The suicide rate for Iraq and Afghanistan veterans was at a record high by 2007- at 22.9 per 100,000 soldiers. More so diagnosed with PTSD, depression, neurotic disorders, psychoses, …And the true extent of mental illness among war veterans is believed to be far worse than the VA’s figures. There are so many more statistics I could assemble here that are astounding. Other mental illnesses, drug abuse, alcohol dependency, divorce, and on and on….but,….

As he spoke to me about what he found, just in that three minute phone conversation, we were both in floods of tears. Finally someone who understood his struggles, someone who realizes there’s more behind them, someone knows how to help him and us all as a family. The relief was overwhelming- The knowledge that we are not all crazy and there are real effects changing us – The comfort that we are not in this alone anymore -  The hope for healthier days. It makes much better sense now, some of the behaviours I’ve seen, and my understanding is opened. My heart is grateful that his soul has another chance to find peace and my hope is renewed that we can be a happy family again. I am so sorry he had to go in the first place, sorrier he had to experience war and go through terrible things, and sad he has had to bear this burden on his own for too long….


Can I get a do Over?

In divorce, marriage, relationships on June 30, 2009 at 11:34 am

Sadness is inevitable ,… I can’t seem to avoid it as much as I’m trying to. Wish the problem would just go away.