Motherhood After Depression…                                                                  A bit of my story

This is not necessarily the easiest post to write, but it is something a lot of us go through as mothers. There are so many reasons we can fall into a slump, and let time pass us by before we realize how much time was lost.

I am not sure what I even remember about the last 4 to 5 years. The only thing that stands out as good all that time was my youngest son, Austen. Everything thing else around me…the other kids and my marriage, were shadows of failure. He was the bright star in the middle of the difficulties that kept me smiling. I eventually blocked everything else out almost, and remained close to him. Wrong maybe. But I am thankful even for this. Without him, I am not sure how I would have reacted. Such a huge responsibility for such a tiny person who needs his Momma, not the other way around.  Before this period of sadness, I had relied on who I thought was God.

Many things happened simultaneously to spur a bout of depression. And, I knew I was struggling with it. I actively worked hard that whole time to keep my head above water. I honestly did my very best. And, its tough to admit to myself that the complete mess of me was the best I could be at the time. I had so many other plans for my kids than what I was able to achieve. I had desired to be a joyous wife in my marriage. All of that crumbled. Many a dream had to be lost. I had to admit: what I was experiencing was hard and unmanageable. I was in counseling almost the whole time, and chose not to use anti depressives at all. I opted to use exercise , vitamins, etc. to try and help me feel better. This was and still is difficult, but I am pleased this is the route I took.

I write this as I find myself back in this situation just the past couple days. It’ll lift within the next two, which is a turnaround time I’m proud of. A brief downturn if you will. I’m not sure if one’s pensiveness towards depression in handling life’s problems ever goes away completely, it seems to always be lurking around the corner waiting to take hold again. We, I suppose, just have to learn how to overcome it repeatedly, and understand how not to use that as a coping mechanism so often. I’m also sure what we call “depression” is quite normal and a part of  life on various levels for all people.

I use to be a completely different person before, always and continually striving to be the best at marriage and motherhood. The dressed prim and proper kids, girls with decorated hair and nails, myself never leaving the house without getiing completely ready. Planned social calendars with friends and playdates. Organized activities for the kids that were educational and stimulating: museum outings, park play, arts and crafts, reading reading reading aloud, and implemented homeschooling curriculum. I ran the home great, made it look nice, payed all the bills on time, and budgeted our money. I learned in a frenzy as many new recipes as possible and made delightful dishes often, cooking everyday. Breakfast was a must in my home before, always warm and on the table before work. I considered it vital- and the easiest meal to put on the table out of the day. I absolutely loved being pregnant, and did that often! Pregnancies always went well with me, and made me happy. I thought I had so much to look forward to, and hope abounding. My interest in spiritual matters took me down a great journey of learning and I was in fellowship with some wonderful friends along that path. Then, our military contract was up, and we moved to Austin.

Austin is wonderful as a city, so no blame to this gorgeous town. But It all went down from here. The first couple of years were still manageable, my husbands company sent us to Las Vegas so often, VIP, we had a lot of fun. But I wasn’t successfully connecting to new friends or moms I could relate to. Moms on a similar journey as my own. Marriage troubles began becoming increasingly apparent, and surmounting. The more I realized what was becoming of my husband, the more I tried to hide from the rest of the world. His drug use was increasing, I was finding it in my home, and he was different. He had no friends I would want to be around. How could I introduce him to my friends? How could I hang with family and they not notice? The thought to leave him at this time never occurred to me. I began trying to fix it by being better, trying even harder, reading reading reading to get more ideas. I always covered up anything that was happening at home, and presented our relationship as going well. I couldnt be real to anyone anymore, not even my family. I was so afraid if I opened up to them they would reject my husband, who had already worked so hard to gain credibility with them in the first place. I avoided going further in this spiritual journey I had begun for the same reason. How could I introduce our marriage to the community I wanted to be involved in, surely they would see right through us. I finally got my last blow,  another bout of infidelity in our marriage, of many previous ones. I had been transmitted STD’s from my husbands other partner/s. I began unraveling. I was also struggling with post pardom depression coupled with a grief of not being able to have any more children. I know, four is plenty, but I wanted more. Along side these two difficulties, I was completely alone in managing the care of my special needs daughter with multiple disabilities. We had so many therapy appointments, and specialists to visit regularly, it was nuts. Everything I used to do well stopped happening. I dropped it all.

Even right now I wonder what my kids must think of me as this ” bad” mom, and if they miss the good one. I wonder if they remember all the things I use to do really well, or if they just see me as never quite doing enough. I fear they will grow to become angry with me, and I fear we will lose our connection forever.

And to be honest, titling this,…” after depression” may not be so appropriate. I think I have just a little more unraveling to do. But at least now, I found a way to start rebuilding. I am so thankful for that. My husband is in a much better place personally as is beginning to be like the person I had married to begin with. I don’t feel so worried about the kids if we were to divorce, because I know he would still be a good dad.  Previously I felt I had to stay married because it was the best way to protect my children. Visitation at that time would have been scary and possibly unsafe. Mending a marriage that has some of the previous grievences is not an easy job, but we we have been attempting to together. I am not sure whats in store for all of us, but the sadness has lifted and I am beginning again to hope.